Grab Your Fork, Avoid The Pork

Disclaimer: This article is written as comedy with no assignment of actual words to the characters depicted:

With the Swine Flu dominating the headlines these days and not much happening on the sports menu, we thought we would venture off topic and talk about disease, food safety and the all of the impending gloom and doom floating around our globally warmed environment recently. 

After the recent passage and historic signing of the Stimulus Bill that was so full of "pork" that it won the Iowa State Fair grand prize, it is no wonder that according to many of the "experts" currently getting some serious face time on CNN that we are now dealing with a swine flu pandemic.

Unfortunately, the only Obama Administration official who we could find to talk to us about the obvious and impending "catastrophic outbreak" (read: quick, run, hide or die) of the Swine Flu or H1-N1 virus as it is now known was Homeland Security Chieftess Janet Napolitano who, when we said we were from Canespace and needed a direct quote, had this to say: "HUH?"

So moving on we thought we would talk to some Arkansas Razorback fans who must surely be so offended by the whole pig thing going on that they would be livid by now.  We talked to a Mr. Cooter Brewster in Hot Springs, Arkansas tonight who, after taking another shot of Wild Turkey, which according to Cooter alledged kills the "Bird Flu", said this:

"We love our Hogs.  Don't nobody outside of Arkansas understand how much we love them."  Well, tell us how much we asked?  Cooter responded calmly and most likley with a broad three-toothed smile when he said: "Let's just say that we wear "Go Hogs" pajamas to bed at night.  That's how much." 

He then shared with us how how the "Hog Call" is properly done:

A full Hog Call -- the kind one will always hear victorious Razorback teams execute after contests -- requires two more Hog Calls, followed immediately by a “Razor-Backs” yell, coordinated with a pumping motion of the right arm after the third “Sooie.” So, in order, the full Hog Call is:

Woooooooo. Pig. Sooie!

Woooooooo. Pig. Sooie!

Woooooooo. Pig. Sooie!

Razorbacks!

We decided that was a little more information than we needed.  "Thanks for the comment we said" as we quickly hung up and went to take a hot shower.

But before you push your panic button remember that years ago there was the previous issue with the deadly "Bird Flu".  Well, first, we were ALL going to die it occurred in Asia and they had all those billions of people and ...blah blah blah.  Then all the people in China ate pork instead, they killed a couple of million chickens and everybody lived happily ever after, right?  OK, so this time is different?  Please, stop the hype.  Chickens proved to be safe, totally 100% safe.

So on the issue of safe food and disease we went to the only reliable source the United States has known over the last ten years: No, not FDA or the CDC or even the Surgeon General, but The Chik-fil-A cow. 

Now there is one bovine that has some serious street creds. Have you seen his work on TV ads where he and his posse parachute into a stadium full of unsuspecting fans and fly onto the field and into the stands and take out the burger vendor?  That cow has it going on! 

So we asked the four legged leader about what we should do to avoid the ever growing and impending virus?  Well the answer is obvious he said:

"Get your fork, but avoid the pork.  Eat more chicken!"

Comments

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

Wha?

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

Solar, the Birdman was an interesting character, I don't know if the word "respect" would actually come to mind though. haha

Reminds me of the type of characters Dostoyevsky talked about meeting when he was in prison in Siberia.

[Esteban]

Dostoyevsky...was who i read the most last year. vonnegut a close 2nd. two giants i had never read before. paulo coehlo is probably the main "still alive" author i read.

[SOUP]

Este....now that U have had your time to read, please WRITE something for The Sapce!

[Six]

- Josh Freeman lost to an 8 loss Baylor team.

- Got smoked by Rutgers in the Texas Bowl, 37-10

- Anyone remember Nebraska beating them, 73-31 in 2007? K-State scored only 10 points until the 3rd Quarter ... it was 52-10 at one point in the 3rd, before K-State made it 52-17.

- He was 2-9 against ranked teams

Like I said, I hope the kid turns out to be a Donovan McNabb and not a Quincy Carter or Akili Smith. He's big and has a good arm - great - problem is with his accuracy and decision making. If he tries to take off and run on a play in the NFL"U", he'll get put to sleep by the other team's D.

And speaking of "D", that's what the Bucs needed to address - many will agree that adding another QB to your team, when you already have 4 of them, that there could be a better choice of draft pick.

They added K2 and Derrick Ward in the off season. They just traded TE Alex Smith to the Pats. They have Antonio Bryant. If the Bucs throw Freeman out there with the brutal schedule they have lined up, he'll get eaten alive ... which means he's most likely in my mind to sit a couple of years.

Then again, that's why I'm sitting behind a computer, writing about this ... instead of being at One Buc Place, sitting in an office that states "General Manager" on the door or "Head Coach". They get paid good money to do what I'll never be able to do - but only talk about.

[Esteban]

Freeman wasn't the problem with K-State though. I agree he probably shouldn't have been the pick for them but still could work out for them in the long run. Not really sure at this point what direction they are going in. They look like they are blowing the team up but then are signing veteran players to come in and not loading up on the young guys. Usually its a go young situation overall. They seem to be doing it in spots and not really committing to it. But not committing to competing right away either. Going to be interesting. But hard for a team with Antonio Bryant and Kellen Winslow Jr as its leaders not to be interesting.

[Cat 5 Cane]

7th...

[DATcane]

http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/sports_college_hurricanes/2009/04/kirby-hocutt-shannons-extension-to-come-at-the-appropriate-time.html

ss

[SOUP]

Tap, tap, tap...hey is this thing on?

[DZ8]

I'll be surprised if Freeman makes it as an NFL QB. Wish the kid the best of luck. I did like his attitude when he said Stafford and Sanches are getting all the hype but that he'll prove to be the best. Now he gets to back it up. We shall see.

[Central Vacuum Planet - UMike]

SOUUUUUUUUUUP...

Morning Spacers

[OCALACANE]

Hey who is the hot blonde with Seastian?

;)

[OCALACANE]

Sebastian

[OCALACANE]

From Wikipedia...

Ibis
The Sacred Ibis was an object of religious veneration in ancient Egypt, particularly associated with the god, Thoth. At the town of Hermopolis, ibi were reared specifically for sacrificial purposes and in the Serapeum at Saqqara, archaeologists found the mummies of one and a half million ibi and hundreds of thousands of falcons.[1]

According to local legend in the Birecik area, the Northern Bald Ibis was one of the first birds that Noah released from the Ark as a symbol of fertility,[2] and a lingering religious sentiment in Turkey helped the colonies there to survive long after the demise of the species in Europe.[3]

The mascot of the University of Miami is an American White Ibis. The ibis was selected as the school mascot because of its legendary bravery during hurricanes. The ibis is the last sign of wildlife to take shelter before a hurricane hits and the first to reappear once the storm has passed. Miami's sports teams are nicknamed "The Hurricanes".

[Canestruck]

Canes to play in Landshark Stadium???

HUH? New sponsor on Dolphins?

[DZ8]

Where do animals take shelter during a hurricane anyways?

One bird says to the other, all right, it's getting pretty bad out here. let's go to your brother bills nest up the road.

[DZ8]

crickets

[dj moonbat]

If ever there was a time to stuff your freezer full of low-priced pork products, it's now.

[Central Vacuum Planet - UMike]

Just 4 more months to go..I should be a sleak 165 pounds and tone by then! lol

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

Six, you cited stats on the team's losses, and we all know the team's general state of affairs because of the HC. So that doesn't tell me much.

If we examine HIS skills, you can't say they're not considerable. And knowing that QB is the position most dependent on coaching decisions and the personnel around you, I'd say he's a talent worth the risk. Just look at Carson Palmer before Chow and after Chow.

As far as comparisons are concerned, he's light years ahead of Carter and Smith, and is coming from a pro-set unlike Donovan, which to me was the biggest reason for Donovan's delayed development. So I guess the only things they have in common are some degree of concentrated melanin and big arms.

To me, he looks most like Big Ben, just more mobile and with a slightly stronger arm. I got this observation from comments on his highlight video.

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

DZ8, lol, that's a good one about the birds.

Este, Dostoyevsky's a good read. He's very classically Russian fatalism with an underlying nihilism. This bottom despair and confusion is the recurring theme in all his works. Stylistically he's talented though. The Brothers Karamazov was his magnum opus and contained most of the energy and themes he addressed in his other pieces. The Idiot is interesting though still dismal. Crime and Punishment is thoroughly tortured and dismal but very well done.

Check out Stendhal's The Red and The Black for a different, less dismal taste of 19th century Europe. Stendhal was French and served during the Napoleonic Wars, and spent most of his creative time in Milan. He was more certain of life, and happier with himself, than old Fyodor, and Tolstoy for that matter.

[Hurricannian]

I hereby declare our independence, you are hereby deemed citizen of the independent cane nation. We hereby Elect Randy Shannon as our new president, and Jacory Harris as our secretary of our new and improved army. We hereby select Laron Byrd, Tommy Streety, Aldarius Johnson, mike James, baby J and coop as his field Generals. We hereby declare War on College football 2009, NO MERCY on The Enenmy.

[CanesgirlNC]

The 2nd Annual Unretirement of Brett Favre

http://www.sportingnews.com/yourturn/viewtopic.php?t=544514

[DZ8]

CGNC

I ALWAYS watch the NFL Network, Total Access. Last night I found I couldn't do it. I am SO SICK OF BRET FARVRUH!

Cav and Esteban

Another good book by a russian author is Master and Margarita, forget the name of the guy right now. He wrote it in the '30s but it didn't get released till the '60s. A russian buddy of mine recomended it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Master_and_Margarita

Bulgakov

[CanesgirlNC]

DZ8 - have you ever seen Frank Caliendo impersonate John Madden mooning over Brett Favre - really funny

[CanesgirlNC]

Ok Soup, since we are going off-topic here - finally banned hydroxycut - took long enough

[DZ8]

Yes I have. lol I'm going to miss John Madden, I know not everyone likes him but I always did.

[DZ8]

whats hydroxycut?

don't make me google

[DZ8]

never mind, google rules

[Six]

Cav - he has the physical tools as far as arm strength and size is concerned .. it's the mental tools that every scout and some general managers were worried about, along with the fact he stares down his receivers and can't read defenses that well.

The whole reason Freeman decided to come out was b/c of just how weak the QB class heading into the draft shaped up and he knew this was his best chance to be a 1st Rounder if someone took a huge chance on him. Whole different story if Colt McCoy, Bradford, etc. would've come out as well. Freeman is lucky as well that Raheem Morris was at K-State while Freeman was there.

Trading up to get him though? The Broncos basically were laughing at the Bucs, b/c they wanted no part of him ... and they have Kyle Orton, Chris Simms and Tom Brandstater as their QBs.

The Bucs already have 4 QBs ... Leftwich, McCown, Griese, Johnson. Freeman isn't coming near the field this year, which is good in a way I guess b/c he'll get to learn the offense under Jagodzinski - but he's not helping on the field this year most likely at all, whether in rotation or starting.

If you look at Freeman's stats last year, he threw 20 TDs - but 8 of them came against these garbage teams: Montana State, North Texas, UL-Lafayette. He can't help who they schedule, but, he can also put up better numbers against the rest of the teams they played. Take those 8 gimme TDs away, and he had 12 TDs and 8 INTs in 9 games.

He looks the part of a sexy NFL QB, 6'6 250lbs. but that doesn't mean jacksh*t to me. How many people think Drew Brees looks that part? Didn't Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, Scott Marijuana-vich, etc. look like that sexy NFL prototype QB? I'm not looking for someone to model the Bucs uniform for me in the front window of a sporting goods store - I'm looking for someone to lead this damn team regardless of height and weight.

I, as well as a whole hell of a lot of other people, just think it was a reach with the Bucs first pick when they needed so many other areas to be addressed immediately - esp. considering the time period in which he will finally see the field as the starter.

[Aqua]

Ok, so I have some ideas for my LotF picks.

1st:
Kendall Tompkins
Jeremy Lewis
These are my unknowns making a impact this season

2nd:
J.James
C.McCarthy
These are my hope you stay healthy picks

3rd:
S.Spence
G.Cooper
These are my production picks

4th:
D.Berry
A.Brown
These are my hope you see the field picks

5th:
Lamar Miller
Oliver Vernon
These are my freshman picks

Help me decide

[CanesgirlNC]

DZ8 - it is this weight loss "wonder" drug sold as a "supplement".

[CanesgirlNC]

Aqua - LOL that ship has sailed

[Aqua]

better late than never

[Canez1]

I'm with Tmoney on this FLU nonsense!!

What a friggin joke! The media loves to scare. Scared peeps=$$$$$$.

Think about it. Before the movie Twister you would never see tornado warnings in the Northeast or 90% of the US for that matter. Now they post them everywhere, anytime there is a bad Tstorm. Such a friggin joke.

The media F's with everyones head.

That is why I never watch the news. 99% bullshyte!

GO CANEZ!!!!!

[canechic]

Do you know for the first time in a long time, I did not even watch 2 minutes of the draft. I did not even watch post coverage. I thought this year was just not very exciting. I was however wondering why it did not start until 4?

[j.w.]

canechic- TV and AD $$$$. :) No other reason. The NFL is event thinking about starting the draft in prime time on a Thursday next year. Round 1 would be Thurs.,2 and 3 would be Friday night, and 4-7 would be Saturday night.

[canechic]

People stop taking cr@p that promises weight loss, only way to lose weight is to cut back calories and increase exercise! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MAGIC PILL, you are just making some one else rich!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/01/hydroxycut-recall-fda-pul_n_194510.html

[conch salad]

Canechic,

$$$$$$$ 4 pm is more primetime than noon.

Swine flu is horshit.

Jimmy Hendrix was awesome at Woodstock but he was also tripping out of his mind on acid, hence the convulsions on stage haha.

[Teflon]

this ust in Percy Harvin does not report for Vikings minicamp!! Idiot

[solarcane]

OK Here it is right from a Southern Baptist Georgia corn farmer

The terrorists injected a bunch of Mexicans with a poison that reacts like flu to doctors tests.

The Mexicans bring the poison into America and spread it to unsuspecting white people that pay them to do stuff like mow grass, finish drywall, paint etc,

Because the Mexicans don't ever wash their hands or bathe they can easily infect the white people.

This is the racist driven propaganda I live with day in and day out up here.

The mountains, waterfalls, forests, and wildlife are fantastic,
Southern hospitality is mostly a myth generated by the tourist industry.

peace

[SuperCooper]

http://www.nbcmiami.com/sports/basketball/hurricanes/Source-John-Wall-Choosing-Between-UM--Kentucky.html

Damn, imagine if Haith can actually land Wall.

[Century Cane]

Canes beat BC 5 to 1

[j.w.]

that's pretty funny, solar! It always makes me laugh when you have PWT accusing anyone whose skin color is a little different of bringing down the standard of living.

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

Conch, he wasn't tripping at all and those weren't convulsions. If you watch the entire video you see quite clearly that the only time he went "out of his mind" was when he was deep in a solo. Otherwise he was perfectly and completely clear and in control, mentally and physically.

What he DID do was smoke 1/4 of a fat joint during an improv in between "Red House" and "Voodoo Child".

He was a genius and held nothing back when he was performing. If he like to express his music with some weird facial expressions and such, whatever, that's his style.

Ask anyone who has ever done acid if they can even walk and talk in a straight line, let alone compose masterpieces on the spot and keep the rest of your new band in line and doing what you want them to do.

Total hater's myth/slander about Jimi.

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

DZ8, I think Freeman's just as talented as Stafford and Sanchez he just played for a shytty HC and below average program. His arm is stronger than both of those guys and he;'s more mobile but he's not as well schooled because of where he went to school.

Plus, he's confident, which always helps.

I think he went about where he was supposed to go because he'll have to be coached up more than the other two.

[solarcane]

j.w.

It's insane sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, there are some fine folks that were born here that I have met.
Most of the people from say 30s down into the teens are pretty cool.

It's the full bearded, bib overall wearing, rebel flag belt buckle brandishing , bacca spittin old farts that can spoil a BBQ faster than a hail storm.

peace

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

Solar, that's not racist, especially since we all know race is an invention.

It's good old NATIONALIST propaganda. haha

Super, if Haith got that far you have to give him a shot. I think it will depend on if Wall wants to win in college or just roll through for a few seasons then go pro. It would be a landmark win for Haith though.

Now if he could only land some more ballers around him.

[solarcane]

Chi,
correct about musician's facial expressions.

If you saw B.B. King playing from the neck up only, and didn't hear the guitar you would swear he was going through the worst constipation episode in recorded history.

peace

[Chinese Punisher aka Cavaleer]

Six, like I said, he needs schooling and coaching but if I'm Tampa Bay and I've put him through my tests and evaluations and I like what I see, I wager I can teach him things that can be learned because he already possesses the things YOU CAN'T TEACH.

I'm not saying he's going to light up the NFL. I'm saying I understand the logic behind the Bucs decision to trade up for him, esp. since they just spent millions on K-II and Antonio Bryant.

Who do they have throwing to these guys right now?? I can't name a Bucs QB since they went to the Super Bowl.