The feature was written by the infamous SolarCane exclusively for Canespace…
Listening to Randy Shannon speak, one can affirm he is getting more comfortable as a Head Coach. His early rock hard drill sergeant press conference demeanor seems to have thawed and taken on a likeable and down right entertaining Proud Papa posture.
I doubt any of us could count the times we have heard Randy say, “they were flying around or “I was excited”. As Randy gains prominence as a must interview, he will have to hone his public coach speak to perfection.
What Randy needs now is a cliché coach. You know that guy. He has to cram the clever tidbit he heard someone on ESPN say moments ago into every other sentence he feels compelled to shout across the bar to you.
I think I may have just found “that guy”. Coach Buzz Wurd of the Div III Alabama Fighting Wood Ticks is a man that knows football speak better than anyone that ever scrawled Xs and O’s across a chalkboard.
Buzz Wurd’s football vocabulary is a premium blend for sure, equal parts Bear Bryant, Darryl Royal, and John McKay. Coach Wurd’s Defensive Coordinator, Vinny “The Ferret” Ferretti can also toss around a few well worn clichés with the best of them.
Here is part one of an exclusive Canespace interview with Coach Wurd and “The Ferret” done at the Waffle House in Truck, Alabama (pop. 987) earlier this week.
Space: Morning Coach Wurd, It’s an honor to meet you, tell us a little about The Fighting Wood Ticks?
Buzz: “Well, the Ticks are a typical blue collar team. They bring their lunch pail to work with them everyday. The kids give 110 percent on and off the field. They have tremendous mental toughness and play for the guy beside them; they never take a play off!”
I could tell right then I had hit the Fort Knox of sport cliché.
Space: Your quarterback Merle Satterfield is being touted as the next great Alabama passer, tells us a little about him?
Buzz: “Well “Merle the Pearl” as the Level Grove Evening Gazette likes to call him, has his head on straight, he’s a wonderful kid no doubt about it. The kid has a cannon for an arm, runs like scared jack rabbit, is sharp as tack, has all the tools, is a born leader and will only get better at the next level. He can run the hurry up offense, milk the clock, play in the shotgun or under the center while under the shadow of his own goal posts. He can execute the offense and punch it in from the red zone. The kid has ice water in his veins.”
I had to hold the egg spattered menu up to my nose, just to hide the idiotic grin on my face.
Space: Tremanious `D Millhouse has set every Div III receiving record in the book, is he really that good?
Buzz: “Treadmill” as the Lincoln County Enquirer often refers to him, is the real deal; he is the next big thing, and a certified winner. The kid’s a playmaker! He runs better routes than UPS and has tremendous hands that are as soft as putty. Tread never hears footsteps, has a great initial burst, can make the circus catch, catch the ball in traffic, is fearless going across the middle. He is a multi-talented, triple threat player who can run the take-off and catch the deep post. If you look under the Cletus Mack Used Car sign on The Fighting `Ticks Field you will see a poster that says “Dread the Tread”. That right there says all you need to know.”
About this time an imposing tall dark Good Fellas looking dude strolls up to our table.
Buzz looks up and says Solar this here is The Ferret!
I get up, shake Mister Ferret’s hand. He crushes all of the bones in my right hand and whacks me on the back and says “Vinny Ferretti, my pleasure.”
The Ferret reaches down and plucks a bacon strip off the top of my pan cakes, bites the end off and sets it down precisely where it was laying. With out pausing to swallow he summons the waitress over and orders another round of everything on the table.
While Buzz Wurd reeks from the stench of original Old Spice and Skoal Bandit, The Ferret emits the aroma of Dolche y Gabana mixed with olive oil and just hint of garlic.
While Buzz Wurd uses all the old school clichés like “fast as a jack rabbit”, The Ferret is more state of the art and leans towards Rival’s ultra hip E Sports jargon.
Space: “Coach Ferretti, DelRod McNight seems to be everywhere on the field from his middle line backer spot, can you elaborate on his play?
Ferretti: “First let me say, The Ferret has seen a lot of great defensive players. And you can take that to the bank. Da Rod as I call him, may be the best ever at his position. The kid has all the tools including some that haven’t even been invented yet. He’s a pure head hunter with an explosive first step, unmatched lateral movement, unlimited athletic ability, fluid hips and great closing speed. Da Rod has been turning a lot of heads and has been scouted by all the elite programs from the league. He is dirty. He is filthy. He is money!
Space: You sound excited coach, what about safety Andrew Mizzelli?”
Ferretti: “Are you kiddin’ man? I mean are you fuggin kidding me?
Andy “The Missile Mizzelli” is a straight up terrorist! When the whistle blows the kid has no regard for life: his, mine, yours or your mother’s. The kid had a personal foul penalty for going into the stands and bytch slapping a visiting team’s fan that didn’t stand up for our player introductions. You can’t coach that shyt! The Missile is a once in a generation player, the heart of the team, a coach on the field. The epitome of what a Fighting Wood Tick is! He could be the next Henry Hogshead for criz zake!!! One game after an interception The Missile was celebrating so hard in the end zone the officials had Da Rod run over and tackle him just so we could get the ball back for the extra point attempt.”
We finished up our interview and I thanked The Ferret for the flap jacks, he squeezed me by the arm and whispered in my ear “Flap Jack” Jackson is our punt returner, what we were feasting on were ‘Bama griddle cakes.”
I thanked him for correcting me, and closing my laptop, I thought about all the clichés I was gonna be able to give Randy. I whispered to myself…“This could be huge!”