Disclaimer: This article is written as comedy with no assignment of actual words to the characters depicted:
With the Swine Flu dominating the headlines these days and not much happening on the sports menu, we thought we would venture off topic and talk about disease, food safety and the all of the impending gloom and doom floating around our globally warmed environment recently.
After the recent passage and historic signing of the Stimulus Bill that was so full of "pork" that it won the Iowa State Fair grand prize, it is no wonder that according to many of the "experts" currently getting some serious face time on CNN that we are now dealing with a swine flu pandemic.
Unfortunately, the only Obama Administration official who we could find to talk to us about the obvious and impending "catastrophic outbreak" (read: quick, run, hide or die) of the Swine Flu or H1-N1 virus as it is now known was Homeland Security Chieftess Janet Napolitano who, when we said we were from Canespace and needed a direct quote, had this to say: "HUH?"
So moving on we thought we would talk to some Arkansas Razorback fans who must surely be so offended by the whole pig thing going on that they would be livid by now. We talked to a Mr. Cooter Brewster in Hot Springs, Arkansas tonight who, after taking another shot of Wild Turkey, which according to Cooter alledged kills the "Bird Flu", said this:
"We love our Hogs. Don't nobody outside of Arkansas understand how much we love them." Well, tell us how much we asked? Cooter responded calmly and most likley with a broad three-toothed smile when he said: "Let's just say that we wear "Go Hogs" pajamas to bed at night. That's how much."
He then shared with us how how the "Hog Call" is properly done:
A full Hog Call -- the kind one will always hear victorious Razorback teams execute after contests -- requires two more Hog Calls, followed immediately by a “Razor-Backs” yell, coordinated with a pumping motion of the right arm after the third “Sooie.” So, in order, the full Hog Call is:
Woooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Woooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Woooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Razorbacks!
We decided that was a little more information than we needed. "Thanks for the comment we said" as we quickly hung up and went to take a hot shower.
But before you push your panic button remember that years ago there was the previous issue with the deadly "Bird Flu". Well, first, we were ALL going to die it occurred in Asia and they had all those billions of people and ...blah blah blah. Then all the people in China ate pork instead, they killed a couple of million chickens and everybody lived happily ever after, right? OK, so this time is different? Please, stop the hype. Chickens proved to be safe, totally 100% safe.
So on the issue of safe food and disease we went to the only reliable source the United States has known over the last ten years: No, not FDA or the CDC or even the Surgeon General, but The Chik-fil-A cow.
Now there is one bovine that has some serious street creds. Have you seen his work on TV ads where he and his posse parachute into a stadium full of unsuspecting fans and fly onto the field and into the stands and take out the burger vendor? That cow has it going on!
So we asked the four legged leader about what we should do to avoid the ever growing and impending virus? Well the answer is obvious he said:
"Get your fork, but avoid the pork. Eat more chicken!"