In light of recent events, I am changing the format of “Mary Knows Football” this week.
By “recent events” I mean the following: the Miami Hurricanes’ heartbreaking overtime loss to Clemson; ‘Canes “fans” throwing players and coaches under the bus; and in general, the type of fair-weather, bandwagon attitude that permeates the south Florida sports landscape. All three are sickening.
While I trust the ‘Canes will pull it together and finish the season strong, the remaining two issues are harder to remedy. You see, there are two types of sports fans in this world: Karens and Gingers. One you can trust, the other…well let’s just say, you don’t want to give them the key to your safe deposit box.
Who are Karen and Ginger, you ask? Karen is Karen Hill, wife of Henry Hill (Ray Liotta = Miami Hurricane) in Goodfellas. Ginger is Ginger Rothstein, wife of Sam “Ace” Rothstein in Casino.
As you may recall, Karen meets Henry when they are both young, before he started making big money. She puts up with Henry’s crap (not coming home at night, a car reeking of the late Billy Batts, and Janice Rossi), sticks by his side, and all she asks in return is a little shopping money so she can look nice for him and decorate their home with some tasteful animal prints. When Henry is busted after an unfortunate misunderstanding at the Tampa Zoo, Karen stays with him and visits him constantly. Indeed, she even smuggles salami and other goodies in during her visits to help Henry.
When Henry is released, Karen is at the gates waiting for him, having made due raising his children in a one bedroom apartment while he was “in college.” Later, when the cops are banging down their door, Karen flushes evidence and hides a gun in a precarious spot all to protect her man.
On the other hand, Ginger meets Ace after he has been sent to Vegas to open up the casinos for the Midwest mob bosses. Ace is already making money and Ginger latches on to him as a “sponsor.” After they have a daughter and marry, Ace gives her more money, fur coats, and a beautiful home. Things are good. Ginger charms Vegas politicians and everyone loves her.
Then, Ace starts having problems. What does Ginger do? She cheats on Ace with her old pimp as well as Ace’s best friend, kidnaps their daughter, later ties her to a bed, drives her Mercedes through their front lawn, steals Ace’s money and jewels, and ends up never heard from again after taking a “hot dose.”
Karens are the type of fans who support their team whether irrelevant or on top of the rankings. Karens will renovate an old van during the years of struggle, cover it in astroturf and ‘Canes upholstery, and name it “The ‘Cane Train.” Karens create a blog devoted to the team and the fans of the team during some of the darkest years of the program. Karens will tell you they were “about to go down in the elevator and get in that thing.”
Karens are the type of people you can count on to hide a gun in their unmentionables and smuggle salami into prison for you. Karens aren’t calling for the coach’s head because of a three run drive, questionable clock management, or the lack of a blitz attack. Karens aren’t going to say we need to bring Marve back because Jacory threw some interceptions. Karens will be at UVA, Duke, and USF supporting their team, no matter what boneheaded decisions were made last week. Karens will stand by their team.
Although the ‘Canes haven’t had to deal with the denial of a gaming license or extortion and narcotics distribution charges, they have experienced similarly devastating struggles over the last few years. The only conciliation I have found in that struggle is that the Gingers were gone, having put on some jorts, cutting their hair in a mullet, and leaving us for north Florida. On to the next winning team. No loyalty. Leaving our stadium empty and our team high and dry.
After the Hurricanes’ success early in the 2009 season, the Gingers were upon us again. You might have seen some Gingers spitting their prognostications on ESPN, or cheering “It’s Great To Be A Miami Hurricane” while exiting the Shark after we beat Oklahoma. But did you see Gingers at Clemson? Do you see Gingers now? After last Saturday, I’m sure the Gingers are back to doing a Croc chomp or cheering “Roll Tide.” Good riddance. I don’t trust Gingers and find them as repelling as Sharon Stone’s hairstyle at the end of Casino.
Gingers, if you are reading this: the U doesn’t need or want fans like you. In fact, when the ‘Canes and Karens make it back to the National Championship, you aren’t welcome at my tailgate. No jello shots for you. Find another sponsor.
So concludes my Martin Scorsese gangster movie wives/football fans metaphor. Guard yourself against Gingers and cue Gimme Shelter. “Oh, a storm is threatening . . .”
Here are my picks for the week. Questions on my rationale? Ask me on the live chat at 8 PM.
1 Florida vs. Georgia: Georgia
10 Oregon vs. 5 USC: Oregon
North Carolina State vs. Florida State: Florida State
UNC vs. 13 VA Tech: VA Tech (but please please please prove me wrong, Butch!)
19 Miami vs. Wake Forest: Miami
Thanks for the advice, I feel your pain how many a test I have left saying "What is the matter with me I knew that answer". Oh and do not worry I still can remember questions I missed in High School...so I guess we are both pretty pathetic. But I guess that is why we learn more from mistakes.
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:25 PM
If you want to see a good movie, you should check out "Reservior Dogs" and "The Usual Suspects". Both are all time classics.
Posted by: tortugacane | October 28, 2009 at 09:28 PM
Soup love the picture!
And philly cheese steak is great but being a Marlin fan can't say I care much for the Phillies baseball team. Yankees will win cause MLB needs them to win....blah blah blah not really worth talking about!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:28 PM
canechic - fiesty tonight
I love baseball, gotta root for fellow island boy Shane Victorino & this entire 813/727 area is either Phillie or Yankee territory to my dismay
I hate both teams as well, esp. the Yankee$ and I want the Yankee$ to lose, not the Phillies to win
Also, nothing better than to see a bunch of Yankee and Phillie fans sitting in that crappy cold weather, hopefully getting pneumonia
Posted by: Six | October 28, 2009 at 09:29 PM
Thanks for the advice, I feel your pain how many a test I have left saying "What is the matter with me I knew that answer". Oh and do not worry I still can remember questions I missed in High School...so I guess we are both pretty pathetic. But I guess that is why we learn more from mistakes.
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:25 PM
Thanks, I don't feel as silly now! What other classes are you taking? I'm jealous - I miss school. I still talk about things in terms of semesters, haha.
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:30 PM
Posted by: tortugacane | October 28, 2009 at 09:28 PM
I was thinking more like "the Notebook", "Hope Floats" or my all time favorite movie "A walk in the clouds" staring Keanu Reeves....I know they are chic flicks but I love them (Angry loves the Notebook he watches it with everytime I watch it....SHHHHHHH)
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:32 PM
ocalacane, loco,mattinny,monte all good guys that don't seem to be around.
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 05:58 PM
I've just been busy, with rugby, and this thing called school that i'm supposed to be doing. But I'm almost always around, except when I'm lying in bed, then I'm a flat. And Homer Simpson's bad was the b-sharps, as opposed to the Be-dulls.
mostly I just read it for the articles (i swear mom!) and search to see if my name comes up. every now and then i read the comments too..
Posted by: Loco | October 28, 2009 at 09:34 PM
I was thinking more like "the Notebook", "Hope Floats" or my all time favorite movie "A walk in the clouds" staring Keanu Reeves....I know they are chic flicks but I love them (Angry loves the Notebook he watches it with everytime I watch it....SHHHHHHH)
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:32 PM
haha, my friends make fun of my having goodfellas next to steel magnolias by my bedroom tv. two of my all-time favs! you know they actually show goodfellas on lifetime now? of course, saying "freak you" and other creative dubbing.
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:35 PM
Can't wait to see the Yanks start pulling soap opera dramatics at the plate to start working the umps
Best one of them all is Jeter. Dude starts diving out of the way on an inside pitch with his lower half like someone shot a missile at him, even though the pitch is about 2 inches inside on the plate. He hangs his head over the middle of the plate practically as the pitch is being released and sticks his lower half out the opposite way as much as humanly possible without actually coming apart into two separate halves like you'd see in a cartoon
Posted by: Six | October 28, 2009 at 09:35 PM
Also, nothing better than to see a bunch of Yankee and Phillie fans sitting in that crappy cold weather, hopefully getting pneumonia
Posted by: Six | October 28, 2009 at 09:29 PM
Six,
Don't start your sh!t, family.
Kidding.
Posted by: Hurriphin | October 28, 2009 at 09:36 PM
And "Ginger" would be the one you can't trust. You can never trust a ginger.
(one of my best friends and teammates is a ginger, and we just have fun with it).
How do you know Harry Potter isn't real?..
The ginger has a friend
Posted by: Loco | October 28, 2009 at 09:36 PM
It pizzed me off last year when the hometown Rays made the World Series and they hade that dumbazz Lets go Phillies billboard put up
The damn Phillies had more support in the 813/727 then the Rays did
Also the fact that The Boss controls the 813/727 is sickening.
If it wasnt for the tradition of watching the World Series then this for me would be the one to miss
Posted by: Sebastian | October 28, 2009 at 09:36 PM
Taking right now - Law of the Torts, Civil Litigation and Procedure and Legal Ethics (online class that is kicking my behind....these classes are much more work than a lecture classe).
Next semester Legal Writing, Entertainment Law and a class called Genocide and the Criminal Justice system sounds really interesting. I have to take 9 credit hours of either Criminal Justice or Public Admin. and so I am opting to take 9 credit of CJ. along with 21 credit hours of Legal Classes.
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:36 PM
did my comments not go through? or did solar break the space again?...
Posted by: Loco | October 28, 2009 at 09:37 PM
Steel Magnolias is a classic....can watch that movie over and over Weeza!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:38 PM
Oh I loved Civ Pro! Fun! I hated legal writing, but I think it was because of the professor more than anything because I love to write - she just was mean and looked like Bill Clinton before the South Beach diet. I always wanted to take Entertainment Law! Sounds like a great schedule! Enjoy it! I'M JEALOUS!!!!
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:39 PM
RandyCane here,
Thanks for the shutout, Canspacers.
JSQ, I do Business development and marketing for Psych hospitals. Most recently for a hospital on St. Simons Island. I will find something. I am one class short of a paralegal degree, I worked for the D.A. in Franklin, Tn. Very interesting!!
But no degree although the school is sanctioned by the ABA,
Posted by: miamimike01 | October 28, 2009 at 09:40 PM
Steel Magnolias is a classic....can watch that movie over and over Weeza!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:38 PM
Me too! Soooooo good! I love what Clairee says about sports:
"Well I do love football, but it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live."
Or is it? ;-)
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:41 PM
Randy I found you a great quote:
Wherever you are, be there totally. Fully experience and indulge in the "NOW". Stop over thinking and over analyzing the past and the future. Life is NOW.
Isn't that great!
GO CANES!!!!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:42 PM
Posted by: miamimike01 | October 28, 2009 at 09:40 PM
You should finish the degree off, move down here, and my firm can hire you! It will work perfectly - you'll be closer to the stadium!!!!
Only kind of kidding. We will miss you guys at the upcoming games. I hope you find something really soon. If you do finish that degree and are interested in moving to south Florida, though, you know where to find me! :-)
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:44 PM
I own The Notebook, 2 disc edition ... and I can quote it
Ya, I said it
Got it as a gift from my better half b/c we both like it and she says I'm like Noah in it with the way he doesn't put up with her crap when she's acting like a pain in the ass
HOME RUN UTLEY, YA GOTTA LOVE IT YANKEE$ HA
Posted by: Six | October 28, 2009 at 09:46 PM
staring Keanu Reeves
an oxymoron if ever there was one.
jmo
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 09:46 PM
But solar he is sooooo cute in that movie. I think it was his best (well maybe Matrix is better).
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:50 PM
But solar he is sooooo cute in that movie. I think it was his best (well maybe Matrix is better).
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 09:50 PM
I can only assume you are referring to "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure." Right?!
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:52 PM
canechic,
you sound like my wife.
I only liked Reeves when he was Johnny Utah although i was pulling for Bodhi all the way
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 09:56 PM
Keanu Reeves ...
In Point Break, he was Johnny Utah, a former Ohio State QB
In The Replacements, he was Shane Falco, a former Ohio State QB
Does Reeves know that those little stickers they put on their helmets really aren't a bunch of little pot leafs? B/c I think that's the only reason he likes to play Ohio State QBs in his films
Posted by: Six | October 28, 2009 at 09:57 PM
Philly Cheese's are hittin', as long as the spot you get it from is legit. I can't tell yall how many spots claim to be "the best in town," but they use steak-um meat for their steaks.
Man, stop playin' with me.
Posted by: Hurriphin | October 28, 2009 at 09:57 PM
This blog is "above average"...right?
Posted by: SOUP | October 28, 2009 at 09:56 PM
It's okay.
Get that Mary chick off of here though . . . she doesn't know jack about football.
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:57 PM
This blog is "above average"...right?
Posted by: SOUP | October 28, 2009 at 09:56 PM
It's okay.
Get that Mary chick off of here though . . . she doesn't know jack about football.
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:57 PM
Hey... Mary knows a lot about football cause my sisters name is Karen hehe
Posted by: mi@mic@ne | October 28, 2009 at 09:59 PM
Get that Mary chick off of here though . . . she doesn't know jack about football.
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 09:57 PM
That's what ALL my friends say.
LOL
Posted by: SOUP | October 28, 2009 at 09:59 PM
Sebastian - all that garbage made me sick last year with the Phillie billboard and everything. What made me just as sick was not seeing the thousands of Rays "fans" this year that must've grown out of the ground last year and showed up to the ALCS and World Series ... getting the Ray hawks, buying up everything Rays related at every store, etc.
Hate those people
Posted by: Six | October 28, 2009 at 10:01 PM
but they use steak-um meat for their steaks.
Man, stop playin' with me.
LMAO! been there
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 10:02 PM
Wow Steak-um - remember when steak-um sandwiches were all the rage?
Nick and Angry get cheese steak subs from Publix like every other day.
Publix has some seriously good subs puts Subway to shame.
Go Canes oh is there football this weekend? ;)
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 10:03 PM
So, no questions about why I picked Oregon over USC? Or any other picks?
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 10:03 PM
I can only imagine what a road trip, with a broken radio, must be like with Reeves.
LOOOOOOOOOOST IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE..............
Posted by: Hurriphin | October 28, 2009 at 10:04 PM
Six I tell angry all the time that I am certain lots of guys out there love the notebook and just will not admit it....Six you are a real man....angry now does not have to feel so alone!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 10:06 PM
I can only imagine what a road trip, with a broken radio, must be like with Reeves.
yea hearing him tapping on the inside of the trunk for 500 miles would get irritating.
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 10:06 PM
I like Oregon too Mary!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 10:06 PM
Hey, on South Park, the Japanese just massacred the whole Miami Dolphins team!!
The F*ck?!?!?
Posted by: Hurriphin | October 28, 2009 at 10:07 PM
Solar LMAO
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 10:07 PM
addicted to quack
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 10:07 PM
Hurriphin I have that on too! No whales go hug a tree!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 10:08 PM
Solar,
You sir, owe me a new pair of drawers......
Posted by: Hurriphin | October 28, 2009 at 10:09 PM
JSQ-
The way Oregon is playing i cant go against that at all Ducks 34-28 over the condems
Now I do see NC beating VT 17-16
To save myself from the Skyway this week
Miami 48 Wake 20
JSilk 300+ and 4Tds
Posted by: Sebastian | October 28, 2009 at 10:11 PM
Heat 105 NY knicks 80 wooohoo!
Posted by: canechic | October 28, 2009 at 10:12 PM
hurri my pleasure lol
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 10:13 PM
JSQ-
The way Oregon is playing i cant go against that at all Ducks 34-28 over the condems
Now I do see NC beating VT 17-16
To save myself from the Skyway this week
Miami 48 Wake 20
JSilk 300+ and 4Tds
Posted by: Sebastian | October 28, 2009 at 10:11 PM
I love it!
. . . and like I said above, PLEASE BUTCH, PROVE ME WRONG!!!
Posted by: JSQ | October 28, 2009 at 10:13 PM
Speaking of classics,
Cape Fear is coming on. DeNiro crushes in that one as well.
Posted by: Hurriphin | October 28, 2009 at 10:14 PM
hurri i agree
cape fear, both versions
gangsta!
peace
Posted by: solarcane | October 28, 2009 at 10:15 PM
It should be nice for Jacory, not having to worry about that little badger Alphonso Smith, sitting back there jumping routes.
That kid was a demon for real.
Posted by: Hurriphin | October 28, 2009 at 10:19 PM