This article was written for Canespace by Old Skool
“Smokestacks reachin' like the arms of God
Into a beautiful sky of soot and clay”
On Saturday, the Miami Hurricanes play the Ohio State Buckeyes. While most readers may be familiar with the team or the Bruce Springsteen song, the state is a mystery. It’s time that changed.
Located somewhere between Pennsylvania and Colorado, Ohio is the 34th largest state and the 7th most populous. Think of it as a farm team or state stocked with people waiting for a chance to move to the Florida.
Ohio Quick Facts
‘Ohio’ is derived from the Iroquois word ‘ohi-yo’ which means “yeah, whatever.”
There are four seasons in Ohio: Winter, More Winter, Still Winter and What do we do now?
Ohio's state flag is a pennant. It is the only state flag of that design in the United States. The reason: Ohioans wanted something that wouldn’t cover the coon tails they fly from their car antennas.
The official state rock song: “Hang On Sloopy".
The official state bird: the pterodactyl.
The official state disease: Chlamydia.
The state slogan: “Ohio, Where mediocre is a compliment.”
Seven United States presidents were born in Ohio: Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William H. Taft, and Warren G. Harding.
The number of presidents born in Ohio considered to be great: 0.
The number of presidents born in Ohio considered to be mediocre: 7.
Plants are very important to Ohioans. Ohio is the leading producer of greenhouse and nursery plants. And as fellow life forms that do nothing but sit in the sun and wait for rain, Ohioans have a strong affinity for plants. In fact, they even associate themselves with the seed of a plant: buckeyes (And, thus, the term ‘gone to seed’.)
A buckeye is an inedible nutlike seed of the horse chestnut. Thanks to their small size, it became a traditional way to describe an Ohio man’s genitalia. A common expression was, “He’s got the cutest pair of buckeyes.” It’s unknown what women said.
But that could soon change. Bravo has a new reality show in the works called “Buckeyes for Straight Guys”.
Dresden is the home of the world's largest basket. It is located at Basket Village USA.
The Glacial Grooves on the north side of Kelleys Island are the largest easily accessible such grooves in the world. They were scoured into solid limestone bedrock about 18,000 years ago by the great ice sheet that covered part of North America. 105,000 people regularly turn out for the week long Grooves Celebration.
Cedar Point was an inspiration for Walt Disney. He took a look at it and vowed to build a real amusement park.
The first Miss Ohio was a Holstein. No one noticed until the bathing suit competition, but by that point, the cow had built an insurmountable lead. Since then, all Ohio beauty contestants must have proof of both sex and species.
Why?
In Ohio, Nair comes in both regular and industrial strength. The best selling items at Victoria’s Secrets in Ohio are flannel underwear in plus size and plus squared. And, only in Ohio, is a snow suit considered flattering.
As a result, the top selling male sexual aid in the state is the blindfold.
The best moment in an each Ohioan’s life is leaving. Some of the famous Ohioans who left the state to achieve fame and, more particularly, fortune include: the Wright Brothers, Thomas Edison, Steven Spielberg, Paul Newman, Annie Oakley, Arsenio Hall and Clark Gable.
For John Glenn and Neil Armstrong, leaving the state wasn’t good enough, they left the planet. And Glenn did it twice.
Great Moments in Ohio History
1839 - Charles Goodyear of Akron develops the process of vulcanizing rubber.
1852 - Ohio becomes the first state to enact laws that protect working women beginning with the Umbrellas for Street Walkers Act.
1857 - Dr. Charles Pierce of Wapakoneta discovers the hangnail.
1879 - James J. Ritty of Dayton invents the cash register to stop his patrons from pilfering house profits.
1900 - Ohio introduces the hot dog to America. Harry M. Stevens is the first to find a use for pork and beef byproducts formerly considered waste.
1938 - Roy J. Plunkett of New Carlisle invents Teflon.
2006 - The EPA links Teflon to cancer and birth defects.
Ohio’s Cities
The two largest cities in Ohio are Cincinnati and Cleveland.
Cincinnati is a city of firsts.
1835 - First bag of airmail, which was lifted by a hot air balloon.
1839 - First "Porco-Forte" is created. It is a keyboard instrument fashioned after a piano, but with a hammer action in which pigs tails are pinched as each key is struck, permitting the player to produce a gradation of squealed notes depending on which keys were struck and how hard.
1849 - First city in the U.S. to hold a municipal song festival. They named it the Porco Fest.
1850 - First city in which greeting cards were published.
1853 – First use of a fire pole.
1869 - First professional baseball team – the Cincinnati Red Stockings, so named because pantyhose hadn’t been invented yet.
1935 - First Major League Baseball night game because men in stockings are easier to watch in the dark.
And the most recent thing Cincinnati could point with pride to:
1954 - First licensed public television station.
Although it must be said, the Cincinnati Zoo does have a very successful breeding program. 105,000 people come out each year to see the water buffalo insemination.
Cleveland is also a city of firsts in everything but sports.
Cleveland boasts America's first traffic light. It began on Aug. 5, 1914. Subsequently, it had the first traffic accident on Aug 6th 1914.
East 105th Street and Euclid Avenue in Cleveland was the site of the first pedestrian button for the control of a traffic light. The boy chosen for the 1948 newsreel to demonstrate its operation was Louis Spronze. With precious little else to celebrate, Clevelanders still honor his name.
In 1879, Cleveland became the world's first city to be lighted electrically. As a result, it has the oldest electrical grid in the world. In fact, the football team gets its name from the term ‘brown out’.
Originally, the Cleveland Indians were called the Cleveland Naps after the city’s most popular activity. That has since been replaced by the annual igniting of the Cuyahoga River on the Fourth of July. 105,000 people line the banks to roast marshmallows and hot dogs and light fireworks by throwing them in the water.
Cleveland is perhaps best known for the prowess of its sports franchises. The last time a professional sports team from Cleveland won a championship, Lyndon Johnson was president.
In the NFL, four teams have never played in a Super Bowl. At the top of that list, are the Cleveland Browns, who are the only ones to never even have hosted a Super Bowl. In the NBA, the Cavaliers advanced to the 2007 NBA Finals, but they were swept by the San Antonio Spurs. And the Cleveland Indians last won the World Series in 1948.
Other the other hand, since major league baseball expanded into Florida in 1993, there have been three World Series played in the Sunshine State. The Indians appeared in one and lost … to a team from Miami.
In an act of extreme civic charity, Cleveland was chosen as the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Otherwise, no rock star would go there. Inductions are the first and only time musicians willingly visit Cleveland. Most prefer to spend time in Somalia.
That’s not to say Cleveland doesn’t occupy an important place in the cultural life of America. It does … as the butt of jokes. The popular television sit-com, "The Drew Cary Show" was set in Cleveland, but written and shot in California. Of course, there was a good reason – Californians have a sense of humor. Ditto WKRP.
Ohio State University
Located in Columbus, Ohio State is currently ranked by US News and World Report as the best public university in Ohio which is akin to being MVP of the Pee Wee League.
Rated nine spots below the University of Miami, in 2009, OSU accepted 76% of all applicants. The only people excluded were the comatose and reality show contestants.
At OSU, they take education seriously. Education is the most popular major and the most popular class is remedial.
The Buckeye mascot is named Brutus after a man best known for committing murder which is significant because that’s what most OSU students do to the English language.
Naturally, any state with the talent to invent the Porco Forte has a rich musical tradition. OSU boasts the largest all-brass and percussion band in the world. The band is famous for Script Ohio, during which it marches single-file through the cursive letters of the word ‘Ohio’ while playing the French march "Le Regiment de Sambre et Meuse."
At the end of the performance, the ‘I’ in ‘Ohio’ is dotted by a sousaphone player or a cheerleader --whomever is more likely to be seen from the top of the stadium a quarter mile away … usually a cheerleader.
Fans at the game are also likely to hear the “Buckeye Battle Cry” sung. The second verse of which includes the lyrics:
Drive! Drive on down the field,
Men of the scarlet and gray;
Don't let them thru that line,
We have to win this game today,
Come on, Ohio!
Smash through to victory.
We cheer you as you go:
Our honor defend
So we'll fight to the end for O-hi-o.
Notice that women and honor aren’t mentioned, just men. Ohioans don’t waste their breath on a lost cause.
The Ohio State Men's Glee Club, formed in 1875, is the oldest organization on campus. In 1990, the Glee Club competed in an international musical festival in Wales and won the male chorus competition beating the Vienna Boys Choir by an unprecedented 20 points.
Each year the band and the glee club unite for their annual “Frere’ Jacques” sing along which draws 105,000 people to the stadium.
Statues of famous alumni grace the OSU campus. The most famous is the statue of Maurice Clarett which was carved out of bar of soap.
Other famous alums include Jack Nicklaus who is considered the greatest golfer in history. Of all the places in the world he could live, he chose North Palm Beach exactly 1084 miles from Columbus.
Chris Carter, an all-pro wide receiver and member of the NFL’s All Decade Team of the 1990s, currently lives in Boca Raton or 1117 miles from Columbus.
And then there’s Paul Warfield, member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame and Ohio State’s Varsity O Hall of Fame. He lives in Rancho Mirage, CA, 2172 miles from Columbus.
The preceding also explains why Columbus hosts no less than two RV shows per year: (1) people want to get away and (2) there are no shows for moving vans.
For those who can’t leave, Columbus is not without its charms. Each year Circleville (30 minutes south of Columbus) holds a pumpkin show which features a Big Wheel race, egg toss, baby contest and hog calling competition. As expected, the turnout is huge … 105,000.